More than Love Itself

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I love you more than love itself…
catchy,
isnt it?
I cant stop repeating it in my head,
like a song…
or a rhythm,
or a beat of a heart.
those seven words,
are all mine to hold onto,
and i smile,
and even brag a little,
because someone I love that much,
loves me the same back. – A poem by Cerbie20

In the era of Tinder and blind dating, I have only one thing to say: If you want to find true love, become a mother. I know this advice may be somewhat reckless and irrational, but hey, that’s what love can do a person.

Now go make a baby.

I kid, I kid.

I’m a young woman and trust me, I’ve had my fair share of relationships and situationships and some straight up horror stories. As young people, watching our parents and grandparents, that’s what we think life is about. Finding love, and being truly happy with someone. Doesn’t always work out that way though, does it? I am a firm believer in being happy with yourself first, then focusing on trying to be happy with someone. But I digress.

I’ve found “the one”. In fact, I created him.

I’ve seen all the quotes on Facebook and the internet about a mother’s love, and no greater bond and I go ” Aw, how sweet.” But they don’t lie. I don’t think there could ever, EVER be a greater love than the love between a mother and her child. For me, it’s even stranger. As a twin, and an identical one at that, people always ask, “When you look at your sister is it like looking in a mirror?” No. No, it isn’t. It’s like I’m looking at my sister. Duh. Ironically enough, when I look at Liam, it is like looking at a reflection of myself. And I just want to hug it and kiss it and never let it go. Being in a serious, long-term relationship, there is often that battle of being the perfect partner or the perfect mother. For me, perfect mother wins every time. I know, I know, there’s no such thing as a perfect mother but I want to be perfect for Liam; whatever perfect for him may be. I suppose it would be easy to feel guilty in neglecting your partner for love of your child? No? Ok, cause I really don’t.

Sorry, not sorry.

When a simple gaze in my direction makes me melt and feel all fuzzy inside, or when the sound of you in distress activates my beast mode or the sound of your laughter blocks out everything that’s wrong in the world, then Liam has some serious competition. But until then. Harsh? Maybe. Gushing? Definitely. My BabyCentre would send me emails about being a new mother and juggling time with your partner, not to mention, many a baby blogger have written about it, and to be honest, I never showed much interest in what they had to say on the matter. But now. Now I understand why these writers even feel the need to bring it up.

The struggle is real.

To be clear, as a mother in a relationship, it’s not to say that we love our partner any less. At least, for me, this is not the case. But the love for my child supersedes any love I think I’ve ever felt. The butterflies in my stomach are now replaced with moths- they’re not nearly as pretty to look at, but at least they serve a purpose. That tingly sensation on my neck is still there, but its not longer caused by the breath of the man I love, so much as the suspicious silence of a 10-month old baby in a separate room. Because although it’s all love, the love for a child is about purpose and protection. Becoming a mother has given me a purpose no job or career can ever give me and its my job to protect the source of that purpose. Having a child has made me believe you can love someone more than love itself.

After all is said and done, no one expects us as mothers to drop everything and be in mummy mode full time, only loving thyself and child, and to those that do, that’s great, too. However, no matter how many frogs I kiss, how many knights die in battle for me or how many kings rescue me from my tower…

… Only one person can steal my heart the way he does.

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